...

I feel like a bad person.  I still haven't gone to see Jill at her grave.  I just can't.  I have the option to see Chloee pretty much when ever I want.  But I can't do that either. 

What is my problem?

Good Enough

What more do you want from me?

I understand that you're having a hard time with your health and I'm trying my hardest to help you.  But I'm also newly married and an even newer mother.  I'm young and I still need to work on me.  I need to focus on my family.  Piling up these rules after rules after rules don't help. 

You tell me I need to be independent, yet you don't let me do anything to get there.  Or you tell me I'm doing it wrong.  You're the reason I'm in this position in the first place.

I know I still have some things to work on and I am.  But I have time to perfect those.  I can't do it overnight. 

I understand that we are guests in your home.  But I'm also your daughter.  Please understand that sometimes I just don't have time, especially with a baby, to keep the house spotless at all times.  I do try.

I know how tired you were tonight so I put away all the groceries.  I even cleaned out the fridge and the pantry.  I did all the dishes.  For the last two days I've folded and put away all the laundry.  I've kept the house so clean.  I've been doing this to show you I've been listening.  But you take me up in your room, cry, and tell me everything I'm still doing wrong anyway. 

You put all these rules on how I need to raise my child.  That's not fair.  But I've stuck to them because we are living in your house.  Just know that you have now pushed us away.  Haven't you realized that Stiff won't even stay in the house when I'm gone?  He figures if he's not there he won't be watched over like a hawk and graded on the way he watches his child.  

I'm tired of the guilt trips.  I know she was fussy because she was tired.  There are times she just needs to be put down in her crib and left to fuss for a minute.  I can't hold her every minute.  I'll never get the house as spotless as you'd like if I hold her all the time. 

I know you have "more experience", as you like to call it.  But she is mine.  Not yours.  And you didn't do so great with yours anyway.

I was mad earlier.  Now I'm just sad.  Nothing I ever do is good enough for you.      

Is that bad?

I've been trying to get my child to go to sleep for about an hour now.  She's exhausted, but for some reason she won't take her nap.  She's been doing that lately.  Weirdo. 

Last night Stiff didn't get home until around ten.  Bubbas and I slept in the bedroom upstairs.  All of yesterday and today I've been wondering if I could make it on my own as a single mother. 

Is that bad?

Seriously?

Found out what was wrong. 

Seriously? 

You're dumb. 

And of course, I step up and try to make things right because you won't talk.

So now it's just hanging in the air.

I'm still waiting for an apology.

Or an explanation.

I deserve it. 

But I'm trying to ignore it.

Then I get all prettied up and ask what you think.

You shrug and go back to watching TV.

Ouch.

That's it.

I'm done trying to impress you.

All I wanted was for you to tell me I'm pretty.

Fine.

Be that way.

Two can play this little kid game.

And I'm 110% sure I can do it better.

Let's see how much you like it.

Then I'll get my fuckin apology.

I hate this...

Fights

Fights can suck it.

I don't even know what happened in this one.  One minute we're talking on the phone on his way home from school and the next he won't speak to me and I end up sleeping on the couch. 

He's at work now and I still haven't heard from him.  He always texts me by now. 

I'm not sure what happened.  And I'm not going to be the grown up in this one. I always am.  I'm not gonna talk to him first.  I'll let him figure out whatever it is that made him mad and then come talk to me.

Being married is hard.

I'll just have my coffee and hope things get better.

Frustrated

UGH!

I need someone to share my frustration with and I have no one so that makes me even more frustrated. 

I applied for a fantastic job over at eBay and the interview went pretty well I think.  Then at the very end of the interview - just as I'm starting to feel good about how things went - he tells me that they do a credit check on everyone.  GREAT.  I have the worst credit AND I just filed for bankruptcy.  So that basically just blows that job. 

Damn. 

I'm really hoping they look past that.  I'm working really hard right now to try and fix my credit.  I just got into a bad spot and bankruptcy was my only way out.  Maybe I should've asked him about that?  I didn't dare though.  I really really really want this job.  It could finally be my opportunity to start a career.  A good career.   

Please, please, please eBay people!  Please give me a chance to show that I really am a trust worthy person.  I really am a hard worker.  Please let me have this amazing opportunity....

Random

Basically I'm just writing to write.

I don't really know what I want to write about, I just want to write.  So this is gonna be about a whole lotta nothin.  I just put my beautiful Bubbas down for her nap and made me some tea.  I'm ready to go!

My dad took me out to lunch today.  It was very much needed.  I'm starting to get bored sitting at home all day with nothing to do.  I do have my baby to play with but I need some other type of interaction throughout the day.  It was nice to be able to talk to someone who can talk back.  I think my dad and I are pretty close.  There are still a lot of things he doesn't know about me and I'm sure that I will never tell him but he does know a lot.  And I love that he still loves me anyway.  I wish it was that way with the other parent.  But I've gotten used to that. Anyway, we went to Kneaders.  That was my first time there and it was freakin delicious.  I will go back and I recommend trying it :o) 

Right now I'm going back and forth between writing and watching The True Hollywood Story on Kate Gosselin.  It's really a pretty interesting story.  I was really hoping it would change my mind about her and make me like her.  So far it's had the opposite effect.  I'm pretty sure that I can't stand to look at her face anymore.  She bothers me even more now.  The show did change my mind about Justin Bieber though.  I now have the fever.  He's a totally cute kid.

The last couple weeks have been a little rough on me.  I started takin those anti-depressants and I think they may have had a negative effect.  I went straight downhill for a min there.  Not good.  But that might also be because I'm not taking them regularly.  There will be some days that I forget to take them, so I'll take them about 3 or 4 times a week.  Oops.  But then again things have been better the last couple days so maybe not.  I dunno.  It sucked pretty bad because I was seriously scared to be alone for too long during the day.  I didn't know what was going to happen.  And that's a scary thing.  Not being able to trust yourself.  

I got some new clothes the other day.  Woot!  Finally some clothes that actually fit me.  It's fabulous.  I was so tired of being in the "in between" stage where my pre pregnancy clothes don't quite fit and the pregnancy clothes are way to big.  Super annoying.  We got my husband some new clothes too.  I decided that I was sorta getting tired of the bagging, gangster wannabe clothes.  It was time to get some sort of fashion sense.  And we did just that.  He looks amazing.  I just wanna jump him every time I see him now.  I must say that I did pretty damn good.

Phone started ringing.  I'll hurt someone if it wakes up my child.

I've started eating better. Yay!  And I've dropped a couple pounds so far.  Yay!  I also googled "exercises to do with your baby", and they have some pretty clever things.  I'm gonna try them out.  There is one thing that I refuse to get rid of though, and that's my coffee.  If I don't have my morning and afternoon coffee heads start rolling and I turn into a monster from hell.  Don't be scared  :o)  But seriously.

I started to try to be a more organized person not too long ago.  I completely re organized my whole room and got all our bills together and started to separate them into different catagories, and then for whatever reason just stopped.  I was all sorts of gung ho to do this too. I wish I could find that motivation to get back and just finish it.  Maybe it's because I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing.  With the bills anyway.  I don't really have a good excuse for the bedroom.  I keep thinking that if I just get it set up then I'll stick to it.  But I don't ever really stick to anything so I'm not sure it's even worth the time.  But then again I'm terrible with money. I like to buy things.  Lots of things.  And my husband doesn't like to tell me no, so that gets us into trouble a lot.  I think I'm going to give him my debit card.  We'll see.

Bubbas woke up.  Time to stop.  I know how entertaining this is.

    Adios muchachos.

 

In a Bad Spot

I'm in a bad spot right now...

That's all

Tuesdays Thoughts...

My mind has been non-stop since the death of my best friend.  Sometimes I feel like a broken record, repeating and repeating how much I miss her.  I talk about her all the time and if I'm not talking about her I'm thinking about her.  I write on her Facebook wall every single day.  Sometimes 2 or 3 times.

I feel like I should be over it by now.  Or even just accepting of it.  I've stopped talking to people about it because I get the feeling they don't want to hear it anymore.  I guess I don't blame them. 

I know this is going to make me sound pretty stupid but she was really the only best friend I've ever had.  Sure I've had good friends, but none like her.  She stuck by my side through my hardest times when no one else would. 

We made up a crazy story one day about how we were "soul mates."  How we met up in heaven and decided that we needed to meet down here and we needed to do it through the craziest way possible.  And we did meet the craziest way possible. 

We met at Taylor Andrews Academy.  We had both starting going to school there at the same time.  For the first few months we didn't talk to each other.  Then one day her husband, at the time, came to pick her up from school and I thought he looked really familiar but I just couldn't figure out how I knew him.  I told her that the next day and asked him what his name was.  She told me and my face turned bright red.  I figured out how I knew him and there was no way I was going to tell her.  But she figured it out and I thought she was going to kill me right there in the classroom.  I was so embarrassed.  But instead she asked me to go to dinner with her on our break.  Then I thought she was going to kill me in the car.  She didn't.  She started asking me questions and told me she thought it was so funny.  I was still so embarrassed.  But from that day on we became best friends.

We ended up moving in together after she got divorced.  And I can honestly say that was some of the best times of my life.  Some people say you shouldn't ever move in with your best friend.  I say bullshit.  We never had any problems.  Sure there were some things I didn't agree with and I'm sure that went both ways.  But that never got in the way of our friendship.  I loved being with Jill and her beautiful baby everyday. 

I miss her.  Every day I think about all the great times that we had.  I miss her baby.  She's like my own daughter.  I will do anything for that girl. 

I've become a mess.  I went to the doctor and he put me on some anti-depressants.  I'm hoping that helps because I had the worst thought yesterday and I felt bad that it even came into my mind.  While I was at work I opened a fortune cookie.  It said something about 'great friends will come to you' or something like that.  The first thought that came to my mind was, "Unless they kill themselves."  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know why I can't just accept what happened.  I've been avoiding going to her grave because I still haven't accepted it yet and I know that. 

I need a best friend again.  I can't talk to anyone else like I could talk to her.  Yeah this writing thing helps me vent a little but it's not the same.  Hopefully these happy pills will start kicking in soon and things will get back to somewhat normal.

Super Sappy

I just want to give a quick shout out  to my amazing hubby.

Two years ago, on the 24th, is the day that we met.

Last night, while Stiff was on his way to school, we had been talking about that day and going over how so much has changed in just two years.

I tried to wait up for him but his class gets out pretty late at night.  I ended up falling asleep on the couch next to my Bubbaz.  Around 11:30, Stiff comes and wakes me up and starts heading to our bedroom.  I follow behind him with our baby and when I walk into our room... IT'S SPOTLESS!  Now I'm gonna be honest here and say that I'm not really into the whole cleaning thing.  It's a pain in the ass.  With that being said he must have spent some time on that room.  It really meant a lot to me that he took the time to clean it.

As we're climbing into bed and gettin' all snuggled up he decides to whip out the cutest little puppy dog.  The puppy is holding a heart that says, "I love you".  Then he tells me that this has been the best two years of his life.  Cheesy right?

But I absolutely loved it  :o)

"Falling to Pieces"

I'm lost.  I don't understand.  I'm so sad.  I try to act okay and I feel that I do a pretty good job.  But the fact of that is... I'm not.  My best friend is gone.  And I'm lost.  I know that I need to keep it together and be strong for my family, for my baby.  She needs me.  But I find myself not giving her the attention she deserves right now.  And that makes me feel even worse.

 I don't really remember what happens most days.  I've been in my own little world since Christmas night.  I seem to do okay at work but after the day is over I couldn't tell you what happened.  I have a really hard time falling asleep now.  All I can do is think about her and what she must have been going through.  Especially that night.  I look at my family picture that I was so happy to take on Christmas Eve and now it just makes me sad.  I was so happy that night while my best friend was in a kind of pain that I'll never know.  I should've been there for her.  I should've known.

I keep everything inside.  I've never been one to really let my emotions out.  But I'm afraid if I don't do something I'll explode.  This kind of hurt I just can't keep in anymore.

I was lucky enough to be able to get some things from her room.  I took some jewelry and clothes and a few other things.  I now have a necklace and a ring that I will never ever take off.  She was an amazing person.  I will always remember her and talk about her often.  This necklace and ring is a way I can always have a piece of her with me.

I've never cried listening to a song before but I heard one today and I just broke down.  It seemed to be just perfect for how I am feeling.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing, 

Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in, 

'Coz I got time while she got freedom, 

'Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even. 

Her best days will be some of my worst, 

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,

 While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,

 'Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even no. 

 

What am I supposed to do 

when the best part of me was always you 

What am I supposed to say 

when I'm all choked up and you're ok 

I'm falling to pieces 

I'm falling to pieces 

 

They say bad things happen for a reason

 But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding 

'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving 

And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even no. 

 

What am I gonna do 

when the best part of me was always you

 What am I supposed to say 

when I'm all choked up and you're ok

 I'm falling to pieces, yeah 

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

 I'm falling to pieces

(One still in love while the other one's leaving)

 I'm falling to pieces,  

(Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even) 

 

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain, 

You took your suitcase, I took the blame.

 Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh. 

'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

 

 I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing, 

Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in, 

'Coz I got time while she got freedom,

 'Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break, 

no it don't break, 

no it don't break even no. 

 

What am I gonna do

when the best part of me was always you 

What am I supposed to say

when I'm all choked up and you're ok

 I'm falling to pieces, yeah

 I'm falling to pieces, yeah

 I'm falling to pieces, 

 (One still in love while the other one's leaving)

 I'm falling to pieces,

(Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

 Oh, it don't break even, noOh, 

it don't break even, noOh,

It don't break even, no

Blast to the Past

I'm going to go back in time and tell my side of a story.

I don't want to say I had a terrible childhood because I didn't.  It just wasn't like most.  I never really got to be a kid.  I've been acting like a grown up for as long as I can remember.  My mom and dad have been divorced since I was 4 and my sister was just a baby.  I've always been the one to take care of her.  My mom worked full time and left us with babysitters until I was old enough to watch my sister.  We would get home from school and I would watch her until my mom came home, usually around 6 or 7.  She wouldn't allow us to go outside, (totally understandable) or have friends over, or even go to a friends house (not so understandable) when she wasn't home.  So we found other things to do to keep us occupied.  My feelings about that are she kept us so secluded that we were very socially awkward.  I still am.       

My mom absolutely hates my dad.  She hates him so much that she always tells us how much she hates him.  If we ever had an event at school it was always so awkward because they would be on separate sides of the room, and then we would have to choose which parent to go to first, and then which parent we would go to dinner with.  Whatever choice we made felt like the wrong one.  If we went to my mom we felt bad for not going to my dad.  If we went to my dad we knew my mom wouldn't be happy.
She hates him so much that we would feel like we had to tell her we had a terrible time whenever we went over to his house just to make her happy.  In the end, she hates him so much that we started to hate him too.

Then one day everything changed.  My mom and dad got into a huge fight one day when he was coming to get us for one of the weekend visits.  That sparked the custody battle.  I remember my mom asking us to tell her everything my dad ever did that was wrong.  And then she told us some things that I don't think a child should know about their parent.  I feel I was put right in the middle.  That was extremely hard on me.  It was so hard to deal with that I tried to take my life a couple times.  Failing both attempts.  I saw what it did to my sister and I realized how stupid I had been for trying and how much she needed me.

As the battle goes on we have to see a therapist.  The therapist then decides what she thinks is best for us.  After talking a while with her, she made me realize a lot of things.  My dad is not the bad guy that he's made out to be.  At all.  Yeah he has his faults, but what parent/person doesn't?  That shifted everything.  In the end, I told the evaluator I thought we needed to be with my dad.  And that's exactly what happened.

My sister was young enough that it didn't quite affect her the way it did me.  She's doing great in school and has so many friends.  I'm so happy that she got the chance to be a kid.  She's in a really great place right now and I look up to her.   

To this day I still believe my mom holds a grudge against me.  I believe she doesn't feel so much for me anymore.  I believe I'm the disappointment in her life.  

No I wasn't the best child in the world.  I was always the rebel one.  I had a really bad phase where I was with a lot of different guys (like mother like daughter).
I've got piercings and tattoos.  So what?
She still sees me as the kid who messed up when she was younger.  I've grown up.  I've learned from my mistakes.  I'm still learning.  And I have the right.
No my marriage isn't like hers.  We have our hard times.  I've had my doubts.  But we love each other.  And we'll do what it takes to make things work.  We didn't do everything in "the right order" but I think we're doing the best we can.  I think it's unhealthy to not disagree in a marriage.  Feelings get bottled up and come out as sarcasm (mother).  It's painful when I hear her tell her siblings that she was "glad to get the first wedding over with."
That's another thing.  She hates my dad so much that she couldn't even stay through my whole wedding.  The whole time she was just dying to get out of there.  I'm her daughter.  Does she really not care about me enough to stay through what was one of the happiest days of my life?  It's sad that I had come to expect that from her so it didn't even phase me.
It hurt even more when I found out that her and her family actually made fun of my wedding.

I guess it just comes down to:  I don't understand how a parent could talk bad about their child behind their back.  

I love my mother very much.  I'm extremely grateful for her.  She has helped me through the hard times I'm going through now, financially.  She's my daughter's babysitter and my Bubbaz loves her.  She's also letting us stay with her because we lost our apartment.

For that, I am grateful.  

Duck Walkin' Junk Food Eatin' Fool

For a while now my mom has been going to a lot of different doctors, for a lot of different reasons, and they do a lot of different tests on her.  It would take me hours just to tell all the things that she's been through.  So I'll just skip most of it and get to the reason I'm writing.

She's been going to physical therapy for her pelvis.  While there, the therapist told her that she doesn't walk the way you're "supposed" to walk.  She walks with her feet out when you should be walking with them forward.  That leads to knee problems later in life apparently, for those who didn't know.  I guess you're supposed to stand that way too.  Anyway, she comes home and tells me all of this.  Then I realized that I walk like a duck too.  That sucks.
Ever since then I've been seriously focusing on how I walk.  You might not think it, but it's hard!  I work at a restaurant and I find myself focusing so much on each step I take that I actually forget what table I'm going to with what food.  I look pretty stupid going back and forth with my arms full of food because I've forgotten the numbers again.  And you don't really want to admit to anyone that the reason you've been so dumb lately is because you're trying to re-teach yourself how to walk  :S

Another thing I've been trying to do is eat healthier foods.  I have a major sweet tooth.  Not good.  Especially since I'm still trying to get rid of this bleepin' baby fat.  I swear to you my belly is just like cottage cheese (sexy right?).  Well, the fact of this matter is, it's just not working out so hot.  I know that I know how to eat healthy, it's just having the motivation. I need more exercise too.  That's everyone's New Year's Resolution.  Most people fall through... me most likely being one of them.  It's kind of funny and pathetic because I sit and I wonder why.  Why, oh why, can I not get this baby belly to go away (as I sit there eating Doritos and a Zinger)?  It just doesn't make sense...

Oh life....  maybe once I learn how to walk right everything else will fall into place.  Maybe this whole duck walking thing is throwing everything else outta whack and once I finally fit in with all the "normal" walkers I'll normal walk that baby fat right off.  Ha!

That would be awesome....

Dear Jill

So, for my first post ever on this I'm just going to share a poem.  It was first an email I had written to my best friend who took her life on Christmas Eve. 

Dear Jill,

I know you’ll never read this
Still I’ll send it anyway
Somehow I need to tell you
Those things I didn’t get to say

You were such an amazing person
I miss you.  My heart is just sore.
Would it have changed had I stopped by to see you?
I didn’t know or I would’ve done more

On the other hand…

How could you have done this???
How could you have been so blind???
So many people love and care about you!!
Did they not even enter your mind??!!!

How could you do this to me?
Now what am I supposed to do?
We had plans – all the things we dreamed of
Now there’s no way we can see them through

You won’t see my little girl grow up
She’s sitting up all on her own
And I’ll miss seeing the changes in Chloee
We won’t look back together when our children are grown

How could you be so stupid?
How could you be so unfair?
I texted you – why didn’t you say “help me”
Don’t you know I would’ve been there?

I love you, Jill, and it hurts me
I don’t even know how I feel
I find myself staring at nothing
This whole thing just doesn’t seem real

You’re on my mind when I wake up
You’re there still when I drift off to sleep
You’re there in my dreams every night
I can’t cry but my soul wants to weep

I don’t want to go to your funeral
Because then I can’t just pretend
You’re not just off in your own space
Your life has come to an end

I’m so angry yet so sad, I just hurt
I’m confused – I don’t understand
Just know, my friend, that I love you
In my heart we walk hand in hand

Please be an angel and watch over Chloee
Help her to grow up and thrive
And send me a sign when you can, friend
With love, in my memory, you’re alive

I love you,
Jessica