Tuesdays Thoughts...

My mind has been non-stop since the death of my best friend.  Sometimes I feel like a broken record, repeating and repeating how much I miss her.  I talk about her all the time and if I'm not talking about her I'm thinking about her.  I write on her Facebook wall every single day.  Sometimes 2 or 3 times.

I feel like I should be over it by now.  Or even just accepting of it.  I've stopped talking to people about it because I get the feeling they don't want to hear it anymore.  I guess I don't blame them. 

I know this is going to make me sound pretty stupid but she was really the only best friend I've ever had.  Sure I've had good friends, but none like her.  She stuck by my side through my hardest times when no one else would. 

We made up a crazy story one day about how we were "soul mates."  How we met up in heaven and decided that we needed to meet down here and we needed to do it through the craziest way possible.  And we did meet the craziest way possible. 

We met at Taylor Andrews Academy.  We had both starting going to school there at the same time.  For the first few months we didn't talk to each other.  Then one day her husband, at the time, came to pick her up from school and I thought he looked really familiar but I just couldn't figure out how I knew him.  I told her that the next day and asked him what his name was.  She told me and my face turned bright red.  I figured out how I knew him and there was no way I was going to tell her.  But she figured it out and I thought she was going to kill me right there in the classroom.  I was so embarrassed.  But instead she asked me to go to dinner with her on our break.  Then I thought she was going to kill me in the car.  She didn't.  She started asking me questions and told me she thought it was so funny.  I was still so embarrassed.  But from that day on we became best friends.

We ended up moving in together after she got divorced.  And I can honestly say that was some of the best times of my life.  Some people say you shouldn't ever move in with your best friend.  I say bullshit.  We never had any problems.  Sure there were some things I didn't agree with and I'm sure that went both ways.  But that never got in the way of our friendship.  I loved being with Jill and her beautiful baby everyday. 

I miss her.  Every day I think about all the great times that we had.  I miss her baby.  She's like my own daughter.  I will do anything for that girl. 

I've become a mess.  I went to the doctor and he put me on some anti-depressants.  I'm hoping that helps because I had the worst thought yesterday and I felt bad that it even came into my mind.  While I was at work I opened a fortune cookie.  It said something about 'great friends will come to you' or something like that.  The first thought that came to my mind was, "Unless they kill themselves."  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know why I can't just accept what happened.  I've been avoiding going to her grave because I still haven't accepted it yet and I know that. 

I need a best friend again.  I can't talk to anyone else like I could talk to her.  Yeah this writing thing helps me vent a little but it's not the same.  Hopefully these happy pills will start kicking in soon and things will get back to somewhat normal.