Monday, January 24, 2011

Dear Jill

So, for my first post ever on this I'm just going to share a poem.  It was first an email I had written to my best friend who took her life on Christmas Eve. 

Dear Jill,

I know you’ll never read this
Still I’ll send it anyway
Somehow I need to tell you
Those things I didn’t get to say

You were such an amazing person
I miss you.  My heart is just sore.
Would it have changed had I stopped by to see you?
I didn’t know or I would’ve done more

On the other hand…

How could you have done this???
How could you have been so blind???
So many people love and care about you!!
Did they not even enter your mind??!!!

How could you do this to me?
Now what am I supposed to do?
We had plans – all the things we dreamed of
Now there’s no way we can see them through

You won’t see my little girl grow up
She’s sitting up all on her own
And I’ll miss seeing the changes in Chloee
We won’t look back together when our children are grown

How could you be so stupid?
How could you be so unfair?
I texted you – why didn’t you say “help me”
Don’t you know I would’ve been there?

I love you, Jill, and it hurts me
I don’t even know how I feel
I find myself staring at nothing
This whole thing just doesn’t seem real

You’re on my mind when I wake up
You’re there still when I drift off to sleep
You’re there in my dreams every night
I can’t cry but my soul wants to weep

I don’t want to go to your funeral
Because then I can’t just pretend
You’re not just off in your own space
Your life has come to an end

I’m so angry yet so sad, I just hurt
I’m confused – I don’t understand
Just know, my friend, that I love you
In my heart we walk hand in hand

Please be an angel and watch over Chloee
Help her to grow up and thrive
And send me a sign when you can, friend
With love, in my memory, you’re alive

I love you,
Jessica
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11 comments:

  1. mCatJanuary 24, 2011 at 2:42 PM

    Jess,
    This is absolutley beautiful and you have captured the exact emotions that many people are feeling. There is so much second guessing, and feelings of guilt, and denial, and anger and sadness. You caught all of it perfectly.
    I know that she loved you so much. I remember the first time she told me how she met you at school and that it was funny that you could be such good friends. She spoke of you often and with love and affection. I remember when your daughter was born and how excited she was to tell me and how excited she was to be a godmother. I think you got her through many a hard time.
    Hang in there and message me any time you want to talk.
    xoxoxox
    M

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  2. tammyJanuary 26, 2011 at 3:56 PM

    This was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss. And Chloee's loss. And for everyone that knew and loved her.

    (Melissa's friend)

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  3. SuzieJanuary 26, 2011 at 4:06 PM

    So hearfelt & raw-completely made the flood gates open.
    So sorry for you to lose your best friend. I hope you find peace & comfort knowing you were there for her.
    So sad.

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  4. suzJanuary 26, 2011 at 4:24 PM

    Beautiful, and very real

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  5. CheeseboyJanuary 26, 2011 at 4:47 PM

    M-Cat sent me over. Very powerful poem. Nicely done. Welcome to the blogging world!

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  6. JessJanuary 26, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    Thanks everyone :o) I'm excited to be a part of the blogging world now!

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  7. CountessLaurieJanuary 27, 2011 at 1:25 PM

    Jess, that was a beautiful tribute. Thanks for sharing.

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  8. TearbearJanuary 27, 2011 at 6:02 PM

    I am someone who has admired and respected M-CAT and her family for many years. Have been deeply affected by Jill's death. Thank you for sharing this very honest and heartfelt poem.

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  9. Welcome to the Garden of EganJanuary 27, 2011 at 6:59 PM

    Came over from Mcat's blog.
    Beautiful.
    I think Jillian knows.

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  10. wendyJanuary 28, 2011 at 9:12 AM

    That was a beautiful poem. It is so hard to loose someone. I just had a son die on November 11th and it was and is by far the most difficult thing I have had to go through.
    I love Melissa....she sent me here.
    Welcome...Newbe....to the blogging world. You'll find great friends here.
    I have.

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  11. Mae RaeFebruary 8, 2011 at 8:27 AM

    throughout the last few weeks i have read and been touched by many of M-Cats posts on the death. I came today to give support and truly feel for you. the anger and the sadness is something that many will not voice when losing a friend. I lost a few myself and understand how you feel. I can't say it will get easier, because it doens't, and I can't say that it will change how you feel, because it won't. I can say, God Bless you for putting it into words.

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