Sooo much has happened over the last 5 years. I can't believe it's been 5 years. Wow. There is so much I want to say. So much to tell. I wouldn't even know where to begin though and it would possibly be the longest blog ever written so I think I'll just do a short recap.
After Jill died I went into a deep dark depression on top of post partum. It was a hard and scary time for me. I got into drugs. Bad. Lost everything. Moved to Idaho to get away from it all. To try to start my life over. Started going to AA and instantly loved it there. The people and the fellowship were absolutely amazing. I met someone there. He was the most amazing man with an even more amazing story. He took no shit from anyone and I really liked that. He protected me, stood up for me, adored me, loved me, showed me off, supported me, showed and taught me new things... He was perfect. Until he wasn't anymore.
I had another baby in 2013. This little guy is a momma's boy thru and thru. After he was born I went right back into that depression, relapsed and lost everything all over again and my son's dad went to prison. I went right back to where I left off and it only got worse from there. That was hands down the scariest time of my life. I ran with the scariest people I've ever met and saw and did some things I never want to or will talk about again.
Luckily I got out. I wish I could say that for some of the others. I got my life back. Got my kids back. But of course Jess still makes stupid decisions.
I believed he had changed. I believed we could make it work and be a happy little family. I believed it all. Not even a month of being back together and all the shit started again. I know I played my part in it all too though. I stayed still believing. How dumb am I? Finally made the decision to leave the state and come back to Utah because there was no way I could stay in Idaho and not go back.
And guess what. I'm pregnant again with another one of his babies. The fear is back ten fold. I have to raise 3 babies on my own. I'm just barely getting used to 2 and that's hard enough. I have to get a job when I haven't been working for a while now and it makes me sad to know I won't be able to stay home with my kids anymore. I've loved being able to stay home with them.
The upside is that I'm clean still. Being clean doesn't just fix everything though. There's a lot of work to be done and sometimes I feel I'm just not cut out for it.
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