Random

Basically I'm just writing to write.

I don't really know what I want to write about, I just want to write.  So this is gonna be about a whole lotta nothin.  I just put my beautiful Bubbas down for her nap and made me some tea.  I'm ready to go!

My dad took me out to lunch today.  It was very much needed.  I'm starting to get bored sitting at home all day with nothing to do.  I do have my baby to play with but I need some other type of interaction throughout the day.  It was nice to be able to talk to someone who can talk back.  I think my dad and I are pretty close.  There are still a lot of things he doesn't know about me and I'm sure that I will never tell him but he does know a lot.  And I love that he still loves me anyway.  I wish it was that way with the other parent.  But I've gotten used to that. Anyway, we went to Kneaders.  That was my first time there and it was freakin delicious.  I will go back and I recommend trying it :o) 

Right now I'm going back and forth between writing and watching The True Hollywood Story on Kate Gosselin.  It's really a pretty interesting story.  I was really hoping it would change my mind about her and make me like her.  So far it's had the opposite effect.  I'm pretty sure that I can't stand to look at her face anymore.  She bothers me even more now.  The show did change my mind about Justin Bieber though.  I now have the fever.  He's a totally cute kid.

The last couple weeks have been a little rough on me.  I started takin those anti-depressants and I think they may have had a negative effect.  I went straight downhill for a min there.  Not good.  But that might also be because I'm not taking them regularly.  There will be some days that I forget to take them, so I'll take them about 3 or 4 times a week.  Oops.  But then again things have been better the last couple days so maybe not.  I dunno.  It sucked pretty bad because I was seriously scared to be alone for too long during the day.  I didn't know what was going to happen.  And that's a scary thing.  Not being able to trust yourself.  

I got some new clothes the other day.  Woot!  Finally some clothes that actually fit me.  It's fabulous.  I was so tired of being in the "in between" stage where my pre pregnancy clothes don't quite fit and the pregnancy clothes are way to big.  Super annoying.  We got my husband some new clothes too.  I decided that I was sorta getting tired of the bagging, gangster wannabe clothes.  It was time to get some sort of fashion sense.  And we did just that.  He looks amazing.  I just wanna jump him every time I see him now.  I must say that I did pretty damn good.

Phone started ringing.  I'll hurt someone if it wakes up my child.

I've started eating better. Yay!  And I've dropped a couple pounds so far.  Yay!  I also googled "exercises to do with your baby", and they have some pretty clever things.  I'm gonna try them out.  There is one thing that I refuse to get rid of though, and that's my coffee.  If I don't have my morning and afternoon coffee heads start rolling and I turn into a monster from hell.  Don't be scared  :o)  But seriously.

I started to try to be a more organized person not too long ago.  I completely re organized my whole room and got all our bills together and started to separate them into different catagories, and then for whatever reason just stopped.  I was all sorts of gung ho to do this too. I wish I could find that motivation to get back and just finish it.  Maybe it's because I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing.  With the bills anyway.  I don't really have a good excuse for the bedroom.  I keep thinking that if I just get it set up then I'll stick to it.  But I don't ever really stick to anything so I'm not sure it's even worth the time.  But then again I'm terrible with money. I like to buy things.  Lots of things.  And my husband doesn't like to tell me no, so that gets us into trouble a lot.  I think I'm going to give him my debit card.  We'll see.

Bubbas woke up.  Time to stop.  I know how entertaining this is.

    Adios muchachos.

 

In a Bad Spot

I'm in a bad spot right now...

That's all

Tuesdays Thoughts...

My mind has been non-stop since the death of my best friend.  Sometimes I feel like a broken record, repeating and repeating how much I miss her.  I talk about her all the time and if I'm not talking about her I'm thinking about her.  I write on her Facebook wall every single day.  Sometimes 2 or 3 times.

I feel like I should be over it by now.  Or even just accepting of it.  I've stopped talking to people about it because I get the feeling they don't want to hear it anymore.  I guess I don't blame them. 

I know this is going to make me sound pretty stupid but she was really the only best friend I've ever had.  Sure I've had good friends, but none like her.  She stuck by my side through my hardest times when no one else would. 

We made up a crazy story one day about how we were "soul mates."  How we met up in heaven and decided that we needed to meet down here and we needed to do it through the craziest way possible.  And we did meet the craziest way possible. 

We met at Taylor Andrews Academy.  We had both starting going to school there at the same time.  For the first few months we didn't talk to each other.  Then one day her husband, at the time, came to pick her up from school and I thought he looked really familiar but I just couldn't figure out how I knew him.  I told her that the next day and asked him what his name was.  She told me and my face turned bright red.  I figured out how I knew him and there was no way I was going to tell her.  But she figured it out and I thought she was going to kill me right there in the classroom.  I was so embarrassed.  But instead she asked me to go to dinner with her on our break.  Then I thought she was going to kill me in the car.  She didn't.  She started asking me questions and told me she thought it was so funny.  I was still so embarrassed.  But from that day on we became best friends.

We ended up moving in together after she got divorced.  And I can honestly say that was some of the best times of my life.  Some people say you shouldn't ever move in with your best friend.  I say bullshit.  We never had any problems.  Sure there were some things I didn't agree with and I'm sure that went both ways.  But that never got in the way of our friendship.  I loved being with Jill and her beautiful baby everyday. 

I miss her.  Every day I think about all the great times that we had.  I miss her baby.  She's like my own daughter.  I will do anything for that girl. 

I've become a mess.  I went to the doctor and he put me on some anti-depressants.  I'm hoping that helps because I had the worst thought yesterday and I felt bad that it even came into my mind.  While I was at work I opened a fortune cookie.  It said something about 'great friends will come to you' or something like that.  The first thought that came to my mind was, "Unless they kill themselves."  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know why I can't just accept what happened.  I've been avoiding going to her grave because I still haven't accepted it yet and I know that. 

I need a best friend again.  I can't talk to anyone else like I could talk to her.  Yeah this writing thing helps me vent a little but it's not the same.  Hopefully these happy pills will start kicking in soon and things will get back to somewhat normal.