...

I feel like a bad person.  I still haven't gone to see Jill at her grave.  I just can't.  I have the option to see Chloee pretty much when ever I want.  But I can't do that either. 

What is my problem?

Good Enough

What more do you want from me?

I understand that you're having a hard time with your health and I'm trying my hardest to help you.  But I'm also newly married and an even newer mother.  I'm young and I still need to work on me.  I need to focus on my family.  Piling up these rules after rules after rules don't help. 

You tell me I need to be independent, yet you don't let me do anything to get there.  Or you tell me I'm doing it wrong.  You're the reason I'm in this position in the first place.

I know I still have some things to work on and I am.  But I have time to perfect those.  I can't do it overnight. 

I understand that we are guests in your home.  But I'm also your daughter.  Please understand that sometimes I just don't have time, especially with a baby, to keep the house spotless at all times.  I do try.

I know how tired you were tonight so I put away all the groceries.  I even cleaned out the fridge and the pantry.  I did all the dishes.  For the last two days I've folded and put away all the laundry.  I've kept the house so clean.  I've been doing this to show you I've been listening.  But you take me up in your room, cry, and tell me everything I'm still doing wrong anyway. 

You put all these rules on how I need to raise my child.  That's not fair.  But I've stuck to them because we are living in your house.  Just know that you have now pushed us away.  Haven't you realized that Stiff won't even stay in the house when I'm gone?  He figures if he's not there he won't be watched over like a hawk and graded on the way he watches his child.  

I'm tired of the guilt trips.  I know she was fussy because she was tired.  There are times she just needs to be put down in her crib and left to fuss for a minute.  I can't hold her every minute.  I'll never get the house as spotless as you'd like if I hold her all the time. 

I know you have "more experience", as you like to call it.  But she is mine.  Not yours.  And you didn't do so great with yours anyway.

I was mad earlier.  Now I'm just sad.  Nothing I ever do is good enough for you.      

Is that bad?

I've been trying to get my child to go to sleep for about an hour now.  She's exhausted, but for some reason she won't take her nap.  She's been doing that lately.  Weirdo. 

Last night Stiff didn't get home until around ten.  Bubbas and I slept in the bedroom upstairs.  All of yesterday and today I've been wondering if I could make it on my own as a single mother. 

Is that bad?

Seriously?

Found out what was wrong. 

Seriously? 

You're dumb. 

And of course, I step up and try to make things right because you won't talk.

So now it's just hanging in the air.

I'm still waiting for an apology.

Or an explanation.

I deserve it. 

But I'm trying to ignore it.

Then I get all prettied up and ask what you think.

You shrug and go back to watching TV.

Ouch.

That's it.

I'm done trying to impress you.

All I wanted was for you to tell me I'm pretty.

Fine.

Be that way.

Two can play this little kid game.

And I'm 110% sure I can do it better.

Let's see how much you like it.

Then I'll get my fuckin apology.

I hate this...

Fights

Fights can suck it.

I don't even know what happened in this one.  One minute we're talking on the phone on his way home from school and the next he won't speak to me and I end up sleeping on the couch. 

He's at work now and I still haven't heard from him.  He always texts me by now. 

I'm not sure what happened.  And I'm not going to be the grown up in this one. I always am.  I'm not gonna talk to him first.  I'll let him figure out whatever it is that made him mad and then come talk to me.

Being married is hard.

I'll just have my coffee and hope things get better.

Frustrated

UGH!

I need someone to share my frustration with and I have no one so that makes me even more frustrated. 

I applied for a fantastic job over at eBay and the interview went pretty well I think.  Then at the very end of the interview - just as I'm starting to feel good about how things went - he tells me that they do a credit check on everyone.  GREAT.  I have the worst credit AND I just filed for bankruptcy.  So that basically just blows that job. 

Damn. 

I'm really hoping they look past that.  I'm working really hard right now to try and fix my credit.  I just got into a bad spot and bankruptcy was my only way out.  Maybe I should've asked him about that?  I didn't dare though.  I really really really want this job.  It could finally be my opportunity to start a career.  A good career.   

Please, please, please eBay people!  Please give me a chance to show that I really am a trust worthy person.  I really am a hard worker.  Please let me have this amazing opportunity....

Random

Basically I'm just writing to write.

I don't really know what I want to write about, I just want to write.  So this is gonna be about a whole lotta nothin.  I just put my beautiful Bubbas down for her nap and made me some tea.  I'm ready to go!

My dad took me out to lunch today.  It was very much needed.  I'm starting to get bored sitting at home all day with nothing to do.  I do have my baby to play with but I need some other type of interaction throughout the day.  It was nice to be able to talk to someone who can talk back.  I think my dad and I are pretty close.  There are still a lot of things he doesn't know about me and I'm sure that I will never tell him but he does know a lot.  And I love that he still loves me anyway.  I wish it was that way with the other parent.  But I've gotten used to that. Anyway, we went to Kneaders.  That was my first time there and it was freakin delicious.  I will go back and I recommend trying it :o) 

Right now I'm going back and forth between writing and watching The True Hollywood Story on Kate Gosselin.  It's really a pretty interesting story.  I was really hoping it would change my mind about her and make me like her.  So far it's had the opposite effect.  I'm pretty sure that I can't stand to look at her face anymore.  She bothers me even more now.  The show did change my mind about Justin Bieber though.  I now have the fever.  He's a totally cute kid.

The last couple weeks have been a little rough on me.  I started takin those anti-depressants and I think they may have had a negative effect.  I went straight downhill for a min there.  Not good.  But that might also be because I'm not taking them regularly.  There will be some days that I forget to take them, so I'll take them about 3 or 4 times a week.  Oops.  But then again things have been better the last couple days so maybe not.  I dunno.  It sucked pretty bad because I was seriously scared to be alone for too long during the day.  I didn't know what was going to happen.  And that's a scary thing.  Not being able to trust yourself.  

I got some new clothes the other day.  Woot!  Finally some clothes that actually fit me.  It's fabulous.  I was so tired of being in the "in between" stage where my pre pregnancy clothes don't quite fit and the pregnancy clothes are way to big.  Super annoying.  We got my husband some new clothes too.  I decided that I was sorta getting tired of the bagging, gangster wannabe clothes.  It was time to get some sort of fashion sense.  And we did just that.  He looks amazing.  I just wanna jump him every time I see him now.  I must say that I did pretty damn good.

Phone started ringing.  I'll hurt someone if it wakes up my child.

I've started eating better. Yay!  And I've dropped a couple pounds so far.  Yay!  I also googled "exercises to do with your baby", and they have some pretty clever things.  I'm gonna try them out.  There is one thing that I refuse to get rid of though, and that's my coffee.  If I don't have my morning and afternoon coffee heads start rolling and I turn into a monster from hell.  Don't be scared  :o)  But seriously.

I started to try to be a more organized person not too long ago.  I completely re organized my whole room and got all our bills together and started to separate them into different catagories, and then for whatever reason just stopped.  I was all sorts of gung ho to do this too. I wish I could find that motivation to get back and just finish it.  Maybe it's because I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing.  With the bills anyway.  I don't really have a good excuse for the bedroom.  I keep thinking that if I just get it set up then I'll stick to it.  But I don't ever really stick to anything so I'm not sure it's even worth the time.  But then again I'm terrible with money. I like to buy things.  Lots of things.  And my husband doesn't like to tell me no, so that gets us into trouble a lot.  I think I'm going to give him my debit card.  We'll see.

Bubbas woke up.  Time to stop.  I know how entertaining this is.

    Adios muchachos.