5 Years Later

Holy cow.... It's been a long time.

Sooo much has happened over the last 5 years.  I can't believe it's been 5 years.  Wow.  There is so much I want to say.  So much to tell. I wouldn't even know where to begin though and it would possibly be the longest blog ever written so I think I'll just do a short recap. 

After Jill died I went into a deep dark depression on top of post partum.  It was a hard and scary time for me.  I got into drugs.  Bad.  Lost everything. Moved to Idaho to get away from it all.  To try to start my life over.  Started going to AA and instantly loved it there.  The people and the fellowship were absolutely amazing. I met someone there.  He was the most amazing man with an even more amazing story.  He took no shit from anyone and I really liked that.  He protected me, stood up for me, adored me, loved me, showed me off, supported me, showed and taught me new things... He was perfect.  Until he wasn't anymore. 

I had another baby in 2013.  This little guy is a momma's boy thru and thru.  After he was born I went right back into that depression, relapsed and lost everything all over again and my son's dad went to prison.  I went right back to where I left off and it only got worse from there.  That was hands down the scariest time of my life.  I ran with the scariest people I've ever met and saw and did some things I never want to or will talk about again.
Luckily I got out.  I wish I could say that for some of the others.  I got my life back.  Got my kids back.  But of course Jess still makes stupid decisions. 
I believed he had changed.  I believed we could make it work and be a happy little family.  I believed it all.  Not even a month of being back together and all the shit started again.  I know I played my part in it all too though.  I stayed still believing.  How dumb am I?  Finally made the decision to leave the state and come back to Utah because there was no way I could stay in Idaho and not go back. 

And guess what.  I'm pregnant again with another one of his babies.  The fear is back ten fold.  I have to raise 3 babies on my own.  I'm just barely getting used to 2 and that's hard enough.  I have to get a job when I haven't been working for a while now and it makes me sad to know I won't be able to stay home with my kids anymore.  I've loved being able to stay home with them. 

The upside is that I'm clean still.  Being clean doesn't just fix everything though.  There's a lot of work to be done and sometimes I feel I'm just not cut out for it.

...

I feel like a bad person.  I still haven't gone to see Jill at her grave.  I just can't.  I have the option to see Chloee pretty much when ever I want.  But I can't do that either. 

What is my problem?

Good Enough

What more do you want from me?

I understand that you're having a hard time with your health and I'm trying my hardest to help you.  But I'm also newly married and an even newer mother.  I'm young and I still need to work on me.  I need to focus on my family.  Piling up these rules after rules after rules don't help. 

You tell me I need to be independent, yet you don't let me do anything to get there.  Or you tell me I'm doing it wrong.  You're the reason I'm in this position in the first place.

I know I still have some things to work on and I am.  But I have time to perfect those.  I can't do it overnight. 

I understand that we are guests in your home.  But I'm also your daughter.  Please understand that sometimes I just don't have time, especially with a baby, to keep the house spotless at all times.  I do try.

I know how tired you were tonight so I put away all the groceries.  I even cleaned out the fridge and the pantry.  I did all the dishes.  For the last two days I've folded and put away all the laundry.  I've kept the house so clean.  I've been doing this to show you I've been listening.  But you take me up in your room, cry, and tell me everything I'm still doing wrong anyway. 

You put all these rules on how I need to raise my child.  That's not fair.  But I've stuck to them because we are living in your house.  Just know that you have now pushed us away.  Haven't you realized that Stiff won't even stay in the house when I'm gone?  He figures if he's not there he won't be watched over like a hawk and graded on the way he watches his child.  

I'm tired of the guilt trips.  I know she was fussy because she was tired.  There are times she just needs to be put down in her crib and left to fuss for a minute.  I can't hold her every minute.  I'll never get the house as spotless as you'd like if I hold her all the time. 

I know you have "more experience", as you like to call it.  But she is mine.  Not yours.  And you didn't do so great with yours anyway.

I was mad earlier.  Now I'm just sad.  Nothing I ever do is good enough for you.      

Is that bad?

I've been trying to get my child to go to sleep for about an hour now.  She's exhausted, but for some reason she won't take her nap.  She's been doing that lately.  Weirdo. 

Last night Stiff didn't get home until around ten.  Bubbas and I slept in the bedroom upstairs.  All of yesterday and today I've been wondering if I could make it on my own as a single mother. 

Is that bad?

Seriously?

Found out what was wrong. 

Seriously? 

You're dumb. 

And of course, I step up and try to make things right because you won't talk.

So now it's just hanging in the air.

I'm still waiting for an apology.

Or an explanation.

I deserve it. 

But I'm trying to ignore it.

Then I get all prettied up and ask what you think.

You shrug and go back to watching TV.

Ouch.

That's it.

I'm done trying to impress you.

All I wanted was for you to tell me I'm pretty.

Fine.

Be that way.

Two can play this little kid game.

And I'm 110% sure I can do it better.

Let's see how much you like it.

Then I'll get my fuckin apology.

I hate this...

Fights

Fights can suck it.

I don't even know what happened in this one.  One minute we're talking on the phone on his way home from school and the next he won't speak to me and I end up sleeping on the couch. 

He's at work now and I still haven't heard from him.  He always texts me by now. 

I'm not sure what happened.  And I'm not going to be the grown up in this one. I always am.  I'm not gonna talk to him first.  I'll let him figure out whatever it is that made him mad and then come talk to me.

Being married is hard.

I'll just have my coffee and hope things get better.

Frustrated

UGH!

I need someone to share my frustration with and I have no one so that makes me even more frustrated. 

I applied for a fantastic job over at eBay and the interview went pretty well I think.  Then at the very end of the interview - just as I'm starting to feel good about how things went - he tells me that they do a credit check on everyone.  GREAT.  I have the worst credit AND I just filed for bankruptcy.  So that basically just blows that job. 

Damn. 

I'm really hoping they look past that.  I'm working really hard right now to try and fix my credit.  I just got into a bad spot and bankruptcy was my only way out.  Maybe I should've asked him about that?  I didn't dare though.  I really really really want this job.  It could finally be my opportunity to start a career.  A good career.   

Please, please, please eBay people!  Please give me a chance to show that I really am a trust worthy person.  I really am a hard worker.  Please let me have this amazing opportunity....